[ 05-23-03 ] [ 11:28 p.m.]
[ The sister I never had (until now) ]

I ended up not cutting, for anyone who's interested. It was very, very tempting, but I didn't do it. I wanted to, but I didn't. And now I don't want to think about cutting, because if I do I'm going to want to go cut.

So.

Yesterday I paid a very close friend of mine some comments in this entry, and I'm going to do it again, right now. Don't worry, though, it's not going to become a daily thing, at least I don't think so. I just want to say, one more time out loud, how much this particular friend of mine means to me, because I seem to not be able to tell her to her... screen.

We had a discussion yesterday about her popularity, and one today. She doesn't seem to realize just how many people flock to her. It's very easy to see why. She's amiable, a warm and generous person, the kind that when you find, you hold on to them with both hands. She was nice to me since the moment I met her, and I appriciated it.

Now we've gotten so close that we even call each other "sis". I don't even know if she knows how much that means to me, considering I've never had a sister, and my step-sister is not ideal sister material.

My step-sister is a very cold, cruel, self-interested person. She's very much like her father in that respect, and that's why I can't bring myself to get close to her.

When I was younger, naive, I used to try to make her that older sister I'd always wanted, but then I began to see that Heidi was not interested in having me as a little sister.

And I still craved that big-sister/little-sister relationship.

I had dreams about it. ALL the time. If I were to go retrieve my old locked diary, you would be positively amazed at the number of entries that I spent wishing I had a sister.

Just when I stopped wishing for it for a while, it looks like I've found it.

I once had a debate with my friend Whitney, who now lives in Virginia, about the pros and cons of online relationships. Back then, about two years ago, I was semi-involved with a guy online that I'd gotten to know through his writing. I mean, it wasn't like we were going for marriage proposals or anything. It was simple. Harmless. Fun.

Anyway, Whitney always thought the relationship to be too impersonal. Her point was, how could I kiss the guy? Hold him? How was I even supposed to know that he was a guy? She concluded that it was basically impossible to base a relationship on internet conversations only.

After a while, I began to agree with her.

Then I met Melody, this wonderful person who has become the closest thing to a sister I've ever had.

My connection to Melody is stronger than any connection I've made with anyone online. When I talk to her, I feel totally and completely at ease, like I could joke around yet also tell her my deepest secrets. I know that she respects me, cares about me, and if I have a problem she's always been willing to listen. She's good for a laugh, good for some fun, good for advice, good for moral support.

An all-around description of a sister, right?

Maybe it's not possible to have a sister through the internet, someone I don't know other than through her diary and her conversations with me. Although these things seem so impersonal, because you miss voice inflection, facial expressions, etc, you can really get to know a person well.

That's what happened with Melody.

I feel that I've gotten to know her so well that she's become my sister.

I hope I get to meet Melody someday, just to tell her that she's a really awesome person and that I'm so grateful for everything she's done for me. I hope our conversations continue, because she's been an amazing therapy for me. She's a strong, honest, fun person who cares about me, and let me tell you, those kind of people are in short supply nowadays.

And among that small percentile of people that care about me, she's one of the ones that stands out, because to me, she'll always be my sister.

Melody, you are truly one of a kind. I love you, sis.

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