[ 05-23-03 ] [ 6:16 p.m.]
[ To cut or not to cut ]

I feel supremely deprived at the moment.

There's a safety pin sitting on the desk within arms reach, and it's taking everything I have not to reach over and start carving on myself like people do to pumpkins at Halloween.

I'm wondering what's stopping me from just cutting myself up like I do every time I get the urge. So I promised myself I wasn't going to cut anymore. I break promises to myself all the time.

And besides, I haven't had a cut since Monday.

I haven't gone that long between cuts since I started. No wonder I feel so deprived.

I really don't want to do it, considering the promise I made to myself that I was going to try and forget about the cutting. Not only that, but there are about a million and a half people that I know who want me to stop, Alex especially. For God's sake, when the boy saw the latest cut on my wrist he nearly murdered me!

On the other hand, cutting is something that keeps me from feeling like shit, takes my mind off of all those fucking problems that just won't go away. Sure, it's not the most healthy way to take my mind off of the shit that bothers me, but it works, and I like it for that.

I'm torn between losing the trust of people I care about and making myself feel better. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't win. If I don't cut, the people I care about will still trust me, and most will think I'm back to "normal" and will stop giving a damn, all the while I'm feeling shitty because I'm still tormented with the little problems driving me up a fucking stucco wall. If I do cut, everyone's going to get defensive again, say that I'm back into a depressive rut, and will continue to overlook my feelings while I'm making myself feel better by not thinking about how much everything's fucked up.

I just can't win!

I guess what I need to do is think carefully about what some close people to me say I should do. My grandma and guidance counselor both think that it's incredibly unhealthy for me to cut (and my grandma has the scars to prove it.)

Two for the "No Cut" tally.

Sarah, Jen, Chris, and Jake. They all cut too, and they know and understand why I do it.

Four for the "Cut" side.

Tim and Carol. Both care too much for their own good, and both would probably do anything to get me to stop.

Add two for "No Cut."

Ashley says she speaks from experience, and even though isn't a big advocator of cutting, wants me to do whatever makes me happy.

Another for "Cut."

Melody wants me to promise her that I won't do it. I know that she doesn't want me to hurt myself.

One more for "No Cut."

My mom... I don't even know what the fuck she wants. I don't even know if she takes my cutting problem seriously. I don't know if she's seen the cuts. But I'm pretty sure she'd want me to stop, too.

One for "Undecided", though most likely "No Cut."

And now the biggie. Alex. He flinches every time I pull out a safety pin, and has asked me repeatedly not to cut in front of him, or at all. I explained to him why I do, and he says he understands, but I'll never forget the look on his face when he said that he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if I let myself cut and he didn't do anything to stop me. His opinion and trust mean more to me than I think I should let them, and somehow, if I didn't have Alex in my life, the decision between cutting and not cutting would be a much easier one to make.

It would be cutting. By a landslide.

But Alex doesn't want me to cut. Alex doesn't want me to cut, and because he doesn't, I've gone from being decisive to evaluating my options so thoroughly that it's making my head spin.

Meanwhile, that safety pin within arms reach is looking more inviting with every second that passes.

To cut, or not to cut? That, my friends, really is a good question.

What the fuck should I do?

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