[ 05-22-03 ] [ 6:44 p.m.]
[ No more suffering ]

She says she's going to try.

After neglecting me since she's been married to the man who hates me, she says she's finally going to stop slaving over him, doing his beck and call, to spend some time with me and find out what it is that makes me so upset. That makes me avoid her. That makes me think about running away.

She said she would try before, but she never put forth the effort.

So I don't know if I believe her. I tried to believe her the first and second times she said she would try. But now, it's getting kind of old.

Grandma says nothing will get done unless I let myself believe that she is willing to try this time. I told Grandma that that's all fine and good, but what's going to happen the first time Doug walks out on her? Is she still going to try when the threat of losing her husband looms in her face? And is she still going to want to try when she sees that running desperately after her husband has turned her daughter away again?

Basically, it sits like this. I cannot, and will not, live in a household where I am not treated with the respect I deserve. I should not have to hole up in my room all the time just because breathing out in the open might trigger a nuclear civil war. I am completely miserable in my house, and as long as my stepdad is around, it's pretty much going to stay like that.

I never wanted to make her do it, but it has come to the point where my mom has to choose between me and her husband.

I can't live with him anymore. I'm torn up inside because of the way he treats me, and because of the way she acts around him.

Am I a horrible child because I have to make her make this choice?

I don't want to have to make her choose.

But I don't want to suffer anymore.

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