[ 05-07-03 ] [ 4:49 p.m.]
[ Wide right ]

I can't think of a single thing that fluctuates more than my moods do.

One day I'm on top of the world, and the next day I feel like total and complete shit beneath the lowest life form on the planet. And judging by the number of low life forms I know, that's a pretty difficult task.

Why am I destined to live such a painful, endless cycle of ups and downs that seems dark from every angle, even when it's bright?

I'm sick of these breakdowns.

Today I managed to claw the hell out of myself with my fingernails because I was so determined to keep it in this time. I'd tasted normalcy, two full, solid days of it, and I didn't want to lose it to my depressive tendencies. I held it in for a half an hour, and I tried my damnedest to make it more, but eventually I gave out and spun downward into another painful emotional fall-apart.

What I want to know is, why?

What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm not a criminal. Sure, I'm different, I'm odd, I'm weird, whatever word you want to use for it, but is that punishable? And if it is, why? Because I'm not blonde and perfect? Because I'm not popular? Because I have my human flaws?

And when did being a teenager go from a stage of life to a prison?

I hate the fact that I have all these questions and not a single person can answer them. How fucking helpful is that, forcing me to find all the answers on my own when I don't even know where to look? Like I was dropped in the wrong section of the library while there's no power.

The best analogy I have of life is this: It's not a fucking box of chocolates, because if it were, it'd be sweet all the time. Life is like playing pinata. Sometimes you get the candy, sometimes you don't hit hard enough, and sometimes you miss completely.

Me? I'm wide right.

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