[ 04-05-03 ] [ 9:30 a.m.]
[ Someone to listen ]

Have you ever heard the phrase "Life is an emotional roller-coaster?" Well, if that's true, then I must be sitting in the front seat.

Lately my emotions have been so crazy. It seems as though the littlest thing will set me off. Like the pen incident with Carol on Tuesday. We had a stupid little dispute at the lunch table. I screamed in her face, she screamed in mine, I screamed in hers some more, and I ended up with Sarah in my guidance counselor's office, sobbing on how my life holds no meaning.

Really. It's horrible.

I've talked to Sarah, because she seems to be the only one who gets it. I've described it to her as "knowing something's missing, knowing something's broken, but having no idea what it is." I know that there isn't much a person can say to that, and I feel bad for dumping this on Sarah when her life isn't exactly hunky-dory either.

But there's no one else I can go to.

My guidance counselor doesn't understand it. Like when I described to her my argument with Carol, she didn't understand why I would still want to be friends with her. I told her it's because Carol is like my "gossip" friend. She's the one I go to whenever something happens between me and my crush, and she's also the one who understands my complete and utter devotion to Tony Stewart, even though she thinks it's funny as hell.

I can't go to Carol, because as I've just described, she's not really there to be sympathetic. It's just not in her blood. I love Carol dearly, but she's too dead-set on getting her way to comfort a friend in distress.

I can't go to Tim, even though I respect and value his opinion, because I would feel awkward telling him about all my womanly problems, seeing as how a lot of my emotional distress comes from the fact that I no longer menstruate regularly because of a chemical imbalance in my body.

I can't go to the "Choir Folk". They wouldn't understand. The "Choir Folk", by the way, consists of my friends in Treble Choir, most of which I've known since middle school or before. They're the exact kind of preppy girls that are much too concerned with boys to understand a case of teenage depression. It's not that I don't love them and respect them, it's that they've never had to deal with this stuff before.

I can't go to Dawn. Dawn holds no sympathy for things like this. She will only comfort me if I lose a boyfriend that she liked.

I can't go to Brittanie. Like Sarah, she has way too much other crap going on in her life to make room for mine.

So who do I tell? I've crossed every option off of my list except for two.

The world, in the form of this diary... and Alex.

The world is a big "duh". I'm sure there's someone out there who will read this and relate. And even if there's not, it just feels good to get it out in the open instead of keeping it pent up. But Alex...

I don't know why, but it seems to me that if I tell Alex, what I will get is nothing. Just silence. But silence in a good way, you know? Like, when I tell the "Choir Folk" about my problems, immediately I get a million solutions and more often than not, a solution is not what I want at that point in time. But somehow, I feel that if I tell Alex, he'll listen to my story and won't immediately try to jump in with his opinion on what he thinks I should do. I feel like I could tell him everything, every last tiny detail about myself, even the fact that I'm crazy about him, and he wouldn't say a word.

I need that right now.

And right now, Alex is the only person on Earth who I can count on to just listen.

I'm gonna go call him.

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