[ 02-28-05 ] [ 12:22 a.m.]
[ The list of bad qualities ]

I hate feeling like I've been lied to. Maybe it's because I've been a compulsive liar since I was a kid and I'm still trying to get over that bad and very damaging habit. But I hate feeling that I'm having the wool pulled down over my eyes.

Ah, now that I'm thinking about bad habits - I just ought to list all of mine to give you people an idea of what a disgusting person I really am.

Okay, for starters - I lie. Usually about stupid things that most people would lie about, like "yes Mom, I went to class today", etc. But I've been known to tell some fair whoppers in my day. And I've gotten in lots of trouble for it too. And I hate the feeling that comes with being found out as a liar, particularly because I'm not very great at keeping my stories straight.

I pull my hair out. That bad habit gets better or worse depending on how I happen to be wearing my hair over a certain day or so. When I can't reach it, I can't pull it. When I can reach it, I do pull it. And then I leave strands of hair all over my bedroom floor.

My eating habits are horrible. Of course that's not really a bad habit that I could go to hell for, but my body pays for it. Some weeks I order pizza twice a week. And I have this friend downstairs who I really ought to disassociate myself with - the vending machine. Just a month ago or so, I quit drinking soda. Now to quit eating/drinking everything else that's bad for me.

I don't brush my teeth twice a day. Sometimes I even forget to brush them once a day. But luckily I can't stand the feeling of grime on them and will force myself out of bed at 4 a.m. to brush. I don't wear the retainer I was supposed to wear since last April. I sucked my thumb for far too long, and I'm not even brave enough to publicly admit how old I was when I quit. (Though those of you that are close already know.)

I don't wash my hair every time I shower. I pick my toenails. I bite my fingernails. I pick my nose. No, I do not eat what comes out; rather, I try to pick my nose with a Kleenex so I don't actually have to touch what comes out.

I talk about myself too much. I tend to have a much higher opinion of myself than I let on. I'm a very bad listener. I've only ever seriously studied for an examination once in my life - all other times I've glanced over my notes a few times but never committed myself to learning the facts. I'm horribly lazy. I hate doing homework. I hate doing any sort of work that has no immediate profit that I can see. I spend 90% of my life daydreaming. The other 10% I spend worrying about my image and what other people think of me. I pretend that I don't give a shit that I'm ugly, fat, and annoying.

I'm not as tough as I pretend I am. My threshold of pain is actually remarkably low. And I cry a lot. Over really stupid things sometimes.

I get mad too easily. When I get mad, I have a tendency to throw valuable things at walls and though it's very satisfying when they break, it's not a good thing when whatever got thrown doesn't work anymore.

I look for the worst in people. I judge a lot of people before I get to know them. Usually for the worst. The worst in people tends to stick with me far more persistently than the good in people.

I like to be the center of attention, and I get sulky, irritable, and downright bitchy when I'm not. Or I'll just do something completely crazy/stupid to draw attention back to myself.

I'm selfish, but contradictoraly so. I love to give gifts to people and sometimes I'll do it for no reason at all. But I can't part with the things that are closest to me even though they might mean more to someone else than to me.

I can't admit it when I'm wrong. I have to be right, all the time.

I fish for compliments. Sometimes I bash myself constantly just to get someone to say that I'm not really as bad as I say. I'm cocky. I know how good I am at some things, and I'll flaunt it every chance I get. I'm a feedback whore but yet I hate giving feedback. Nor am I very good at it. I know how annoying it is to get "this was a really great story" for feedback, but I'm usually too lazy to say much else. I want to tell people that they're appriciated, but sometimes I'm just too proud.

I'm a coward. I was barely able to tell my mother about my girlfriend. My grandmother still doesn't know. My dad will probably never know. It's a tougher issue than telling your parents about an F on a report card, but I'm still not brave enough to be completely open to the world about the fact that I am, in fact, dating my best friend.

And, though all those failings are huge in their own ways, I don't think any of them are quite as big as this one - I'm lazy. I am so fucking lazy, you would probably cry if you could understand how much. I'm constantly looking for the easy way out, convinced that everything should come easy to me because some things in my life have come very, very easily. I hate going to class. I hate doing homework. I hate doing anything that has no direct merit for me, or anything that I see as boring. If I had it my way, I would probably spend my entire life in my room on my laptop. And then I would complain when I got bored. And this is the real reason I don't want to get a job - because I'm scared shitless that I would be too lazy to actually do my job.

Unbelievable. It's amazing how much better an entry like this can make you feel. At least, it will until I go back to reread it and realize that everything I've written about myself is horribly true and that, because it's all horribly true, I've got a lot to fix about myself.

For once, I am really, really glad that nobody's perfect.

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