[ 04-03-04 ] [ 11:15 a.m.]
[ Re-introducing me. ]
Introducing... me!
I reread my first entry, and I had to laugh.
"For anyone who knows me at all--"
What quaint first words. I started this diary with the intent to write to those who didn't know me. I intended to start fresh, my own person, and make friends along the way.
I could say I did that, that I achieved the popularity I'd been rabid for this time last year, but I won't. I have excellent internet friends, most of whom know me through this diary, and they know who they are. They don't need to be recognized, because that would be a snooty way of saying "thanks" to all my supporters and "thanks for nothing" to everyone who could care less about me and my life. So before I continue, to all my fans, thanks for everything.
Most people find that they change a lot in the space of a year. Some people find that they only changed a little bit. A few people find that they haven't changed at all, and that they never change.
So have I changed? Am I still the person that I was April 3, 2003? Or am I someone else entirely? It's really hard to say. I look back on that first entry now, and I seemed so young, so enthusiastic. I just feel old now, so tired with the world and the same routine. I think I almost regret having changed - because when life was hard, it was still more simple, because I was not facing the impending graduation which I will take place in exactly two months from today.
And I've lost a lot of friends in the space of a year, too. People I used to know so well are gone, different, changed. While we were busy growing up, we were busy growing away from each other.
It's been my experience that hindsight is always 20/20. If I would have known what my life would be like today, would I have tried to prevent change? Would I have tried to alter destiny and shy away from what I have privately deemed "the Winter of Hell"? At that point in my life, would I have even cared?
So many open-ended questions. So many "what if"s that I'll never resolute.
My dad says you can't drive a car facing backwards, because then you won't be able to see what's coming up and you'll crash. Basically, in Dadspeak, you can't live in the past.
Guess I'll be looking back on this past year in the rear-view mirror.
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