[ 02-19-04 ] [ 10:37 a.m.]
[ A long and thoughtful update ]

I guess I'm just not good at this journaling thing. February is over in ten days and I've only written maybe four entries for this whole month. It's not like I don't have the time, because even though the trimester is almost over, I still don't have that much to do that I'll actually get done. Aside from the book report I'm going to spark for Psychology, I have no homework in that class to the end of the trimester. Brit Lit is a pain because Mr. Ebben is forcing "Hard Times" down our throats along with this stupid trimester project that comes in place of a final exam (excuse me, I'd rather have a comprehensive final); Algebra is, of course, Algebra, with homework every night. A big-ass review assignment also notwithstanding. Also, there's band practice for both Broken Fuse and Black Rain (CoffeeHouse is the 27th), keeping up with racing and basketball season, and a shitload of worrying about when my car's going to be fixed and how much it's going to cost me - insurance wise.

I know I haven't been exactly thorough about the details of my accident and that has to be because the cause of my accident is very, very embarrassing. Most of my friends seem to think it very funny, not realizing that the three of us that were in the car could have died - and probably would have if we weren't extremely, extremely lucky. Most of my friends are just that immature - most of them don't have jobs and cars to keep and they don't really give a flying fuck about their homework and graduating from high school and going to college. Most of them are underclassmen that see graduation as some distant day.

It's not that far off for me. This trimester is over in less than ten days (six school days, not counting today because it's half over already) and then I just have about another sixty days of high school education before it's summer and time to start thinking about the new world I'm going to have to face. It's helpful that one of my best friends is already almost done with her first year of college, because she can probably answer a lot of my questions about what goes on and stuff. But I'm nervous all the same - no one I know is going to NMU; no one I know is going any closer to NMU than my friends that are going to college in Oshkosh (which is about seven miles from my house. NMU is a five hour drive away.) For once in my life, except for the month that I spent at my grandparents', I'm not going to have to be a teenager and live under my stepdad's freaky-ass rules and stormy temper. And yeah, adapting to someone else's lifestyle is going to be interesting and difficult, because we all know that having a roommate is like getting married - you just live in a smaller space.

My mom gave me an ultimatum about the car, shifting subjects; that I can't hve it back until I get a job. I'm not really worried about that that much, though. Getting jobs in Neenah is pretty decently easy, considering we have two grocery stores, a Walgreens, a Shopko, a soon-to-open Walmart, a million and a half restaurants, and other places that seem to need help all the time. I applied at Copps the other day - both Mary and Howie work there so if I do get a job there I'll have someone to help me out my first couple of days. Honestly, though, I really don't want to get a job. At least not now. Maybe in a week or two I'll want to, but I'm just not in the mood to bag somebody else's groceries right now.

Like I've been saying, the trimester ends in six school days and that means I no longer have a couple of classes that have been pissing me off of late. Particularly Brit Lit, with the lots-of-homework fanatic that is Mr. Ebben; Psychology can kiss mine, too, with the theories that no one understands and too much crap that Mr. Elliott told us we have to do at the beginning of the trimester - that no one has remembered to do until he announces it's due the next day. Algebra, however, will remain on my schedule, since it's a 3-trimester class (for the mathematically impaired, like myself.) I have a different teacher next trimester, though, so no more Mr. Frost and his feminist-favored sexism. (Yeah, weird, I know. I actually don't want to be in a class with a teacher that favors girls, as much as I like Frost.) Instead, I have Mrs. Meinke, who was my homeroom advisor back in the days when we had advisory and we were all bored as fuck every Tuesday. (We're still bored as fuck every Tuesday - it's just ten minutes shorter now.) She's a pretty cool person but I don't know how she teaches and that freaks me out a little bit. I'm really bad at math and the only reason I'm doing A-B work in Frost's class is because he teaches in a way that makes it easy to understand.

Choir also remains on my schedule for next trimester. That is a given. I will have had twelve trimesters of choir (and there are twelve trimesters of high school) by the time I graduate. I have never had a trimester when I haven't had choir. Oxley, of course, will remain the instructor. I also have a fifth-mod study hall, with Jones in the Green Pit. *makes face* Count on my entries coming from about 2 to 3 pm in a few weeks - I don't intend on staying in the pit with that bitch. Rather, I'll sign up for the library.

And now my new substance classes for next tri. I have Standard American Government with Mr. Morgen, which should be kick ass because Morgen never assigns much homework and he's nice and a good teacher. I really hate history class (because I've had bad experiences with History classes at NHS) but I don't think Government will be all that bad. I also have Advanced Composition, which I have with Carol, Sarah, and Whitney - and Mr. Funk is the teacher - so I have no doubts that that will become my favorite class on the first day.

And another good thing about third trimester? The snow melts and it gets warm outside. And then my Seasonal-Affect Depression will go away. (Seasonal-Affect Depression, or S.A.D., is what you call it when people get all sad during winter because it's gloomy and dark and they can't go outside and lay around tanning because it's snowing. I definitely suffer from that - I pretty much hate winter. I always love it going in, and hate it coming out. Summer, however, I always love it going in and love it coming out.) And now I'll forever associate ice and slipperiness and cold sunny days in February with having my car smashed to iddle bits. I want summer! *cries*

From the conversation I had with my mother last night, it looks like I will be allowed to go to Kings. Her ultimatum was that she would not pay for anything; she will also not give me a ride to and from the dance. I've got that pretty much taken care of then; Rose is going to lend me and Tyler the sixteeen dollars to pay for tickets, and if my mom will give me a ride to Rose's house, her dad will give us a ride to and from the dance, and then we can just stay over at Rose's house for the night. I'm trying to figure out where that would leave Tyler, but I'm trying not to dwell too much. As long as Carol agrees to take Rosie to the bank after school, I'll have the money for the dance this Saturday.

And Tyler, I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me and him. He doesn't always seem interested but sometimes he does. I mean, he sits by me at lunch and he talks to me more than he does other girls; I also can't overlook the fact that I spend two hours a day with him hanging out and doing nothing. We act like a couple, and he is my date for Prom way in advance (since Prom is on May 15th this year). He is also going to help pay for a limo; who we will be riding with and how much we have to pay will be speciified by the people who have already dibsed in on the limo Sarah put together earlier. She's looking for someone to put the payment under their name and Tyler volunteered, which would give us both a spot in the limo for donating freely to the cause, or something like that. In honesty, I'm looking forward to both of these dances, because I've never been to either one. And no, I'm not much of a formal person, and I don't especially like dressing up, but I adore the gorgeous periwinkle bridesmaid dress I bought in September for Homecoming. Luckily enough, it still fits. And this time, my hair will be long enough to put up so it doesn't flop randomly around and make me look fat.

Wow, September... Seems like such a very long time ago. September I had a pretty decent boyfriend - now Josh and I rarely speak. September I was getting all A's - I've got a few B's now. September I was very, very happy, if not just a little bored with a routine life - now I'm wondering what I could do to get back to that state of happy-go-lucky that I took so for granted.

I'm not complaining about life though, or at least I'm not trying to. I'm glad I'm alive, because less than a week ago I could have died. It makes me think about every second a little more - what ifs are always swimming in my head - but it also makes me wonder what I would do if I knew I was going to die. Like those stupid sleepover games girls play - "What would you do if you only had 24 hours left to live?" It's a question I have thought about a lot in the past week. I don't know if I can give an answer to that. I think I might be one of those very desperate people who tries to deny it and goes around avoiding anything that might kill them. But I don't know. If I had the chance, I think I might tell Josh I'm sorry, truly, to his face. I think I might tell Alex how much he still means. I think I might even apologize to Matt and Dan for being a vindictive bitch. I would talk to my dad and tell him I love him, even though he's not speaking to me at the moment for demolishing my car. I would do the same for my mom, as she's one of my only relatives who knows how much I hurt right now. I think I might even tell Tyler how I'm beginning to feel about him, even though I'm not sure he'd take me seriously.

Tomorrow during third hour C lunch I don't think I'm going to talk to anyone. I think I'm just going to sit alone by myself and think of how lucky I am to be alive. I think if there's one thing that can jumpstart a person's dying faith, it's a close encounter with the back end of a semi trailer. I don't know if I'm ever going to be a "bible thumper", as they've been nicknamed by me and my friends, but I sure do believe that somebody's up there making sure I don't do anything too stupid.

Otherwise, you might not be reading this now.

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