[ 09-06-03 ] [ 8:58 a.m.]
[ I'm confused!!!!!!! ]

I'm so confused.

Boys are becoming a bane on my existence. If I didn't like them so much, I'd swear off of them forever.

Last night I went to Tes's usual Friday night hangout for my weekend social interaction. Tes is a skater, and she appriciates the fact that once upon a time I used to speed skate. She told me I should come skating at the Neenah rink for various reasons, among those, because I haven't skated for forever and a day, and because a lot of my younger friends would be there.

She was definitely right about a lot of my friends being there. There was Tes, Tim, Casey, Chava, Heather (who I just met yesterday), Wolfy, Jessica, Tes's boyfriend Eric, Jenny, plus a bunch of sophomores I've never met before. But the real kicker? Guess who else was there?

Alex.

And even more frustrating than just his prescense there was the fact that he always wanted to skate with me. You know, as if he still had a chance with me. (Which I seriously must admit, I was kind of hoping he would be there when I walked in the rink, just so that I might have another chance with him.) I spent most of the night hanging out with Alex. Mostly, we skated for a song and then played video games. Tim and Casey worked on him all night to go on the moonlight (the slow skates... they've been called the "moonlight" since I was six years old and was first learning how to skate.) Finally, after about a half hour of badgering, he gave in. And we held hands, to the catcalls of Tim and Casey (who at six months together have been telling me how perfect Alex and I are for each other.) And, don't ask me why I remember this, but the two songs we skated to were Daniel Bedingfield's "If You're not the One" and Soluna's "For All Time." Casey came up to me after the moonlight and told me that those songs are now mine and Alex's official "songs." I told her she was just being a dumb sophomore, and she told me I was being a dumb senior, and that I needed to go talk to Alex about "us." So we sat in the back booth and talked about "us" and we finally concluded that we are not officially "going out" but we're "dating" and that the "dating" part is going to progress until we're "going out."

Am I totally horrible? Somewhere in this whirlwind of my life, I'm trying to figure out what I want with my life. Things with the girl... well, I'd really like to be in a relationship with Alex, and I don't want to wreck my friendship with the girl anyway. And Evan... he just isn't Alex. I don't think anybody could be Alex. I was in total heaven last night, but somewhere in my head, I felt so guilty about everything. Alex is really the one I want, but...

Can I just die?

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