[ 04-29-03 ] [ 3:25 p.m.]
[ Trapped ]

Guess what?

I'm at my grandma's. Again. The cause? What else, but another breakdown?

I've made the comment to both my mother and my grandmother, through tears both times, that what good is the birth-control pill if I have to wait a possible two to three months to start it? I just can't wait another two to three months to start healing.

Even though my mom is unhappy with me missing school like I have been, she called the doctor's office, and now I'm on an anti-depressant.

Which is something I won't have to wait to start taking. I can take my first one tonight.

Meanwhile, I've missed so much school lately that I feel detached from my friends' world. I haven't seen Sarah in class since last Friday. Same with my choir friends, Brittanie, and Chad. I haven't seen them to explain to them where I've been.

Also, today I missed an atomic bomb debate in History class which I have to write a four page paper to make up for missing. Due tomorrow.

I guess that's the penalty of having emotional problems.

And even as I'm writing this I'm starting to cry, because I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna live up to all this pressure on me. I can't handle living like this. Something has to give.

And right now, what's giving is school. I just don't care. I don't want school to be a part of my life right now.

Sure, it's only a few weeks until summer. But I can't wait that long.

I'm suffering so much that summer doesn't even sound that great. Because I just have to go back to school anyway, where I'm going to feel just as trapped.

And worse yet, I feel trapped at home. I feel lonely and closed in and like I have nobody that I can talk to. My mom thinks I have these breakdowns for attention and she can't figure out why. She also can't stand to think that something might be wrong with her daughter. And over my dead body would I ever dare to bring this subject up in front of my step-dad or step-sister.

Tell me, would it be easy for you to feel trapped in a position like that?

What I want right now is to leave my house. I want to live with my grandma, someplace where I can have somebody to talk to when I need it, someplace where I can concentrate on making myself feel better. I don't even need to live with her forever, just maybe a week or two. Just to get myself straightened out.

The way I see it, I won't be able to concentrate on school, not to mention stay in school, living in a house where I can't even open up and talk about why school is such a stressor.

You know sometimes when a kid is really struggling in their house and they go live with another relative or friend for a while and then things get better? That's my reasoning. I just want to get out of that house for a little while, live someplace where I have an in-house psychiatrist (my grandma), and straighten myself out.

I won't be able to do that as long as I'm trapped at my mom's house.

What to do?

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