[ 03-18-05 ] [ 2:08 p.m.]
[ Insecurity and immaturity ]

I think I ought to put a warning on my diary. "Best read by those 18 and older." I've finally come to the conclusion that anyone younger is going to think I'm boring.

Maybe I am boring. It's not exactly something that I can decide for myself. I don't think I'm boring, but that's because it's me.

At any rate, Liz thinks I ought to inject some of my real self into my diary. What people read when they read my diary is something very unlike what I really am. As Liz put it, in my diary, I'm pensive. In real life, I'm a hyper, crazy, bordering-on-psycho freak who always has something stupid to say.

I guess I'm afraid as coming off as an idiot when I write diary entries. I think that's the only reason my friends find me amusing - because I say stupid things and they can laugh at me.

It's bad for one's self-esteem.

But, what can you do? You ask somebody why they like you and they'll give you lies every time. I started to suspect a long time ago that my friends are friends with me only because I make them feel smart because I'm totally uninhibited about being an idiot.

Anyway, I think I'm going to stop asking for reviews if I know the outcome is going to be "you're really boring." At least, I'll request from older people or people of my same age who are somewhat likely to understand how much it sucks to be up at college, and why I don't want to come off like an idiot in my diary. I'm not about to stoop to my usual self for the amusment of the younger Diaryland population - nevermind that they'd all probably like me very much in real life because I would amuse them beyond belief.

What amused me most about this morning is that a review site said that they would have thought I'm 29 years old. That's really, really quite funny. Ask anyone who's met me in real life - the age should have been 14 or 15. Even my own mother doesn't think I'm 18 yet.

I think I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I think I'm trying to be mature, when all I have is insecurity and immaturity.

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