[ 03-05-05 ] [ 7:41 p.m.]
[ The most horrible feeling ]

I think I've finally figured out what the worst feeling in the world is.

The worst feeling in the world is arriving at the place you've wanted to be for six weeks, then suddenly realizing that that place isn't where you want to be anymore.

I walked through the door into the house today, and I just suddenly realized that I'd rather just be back in my dorm room, in my cave with nothing in the world but my headphones and Harry Potter.

Today hasn't been a very good day.

Just when I was starting to get really excited about being back home with Carol and, dear God, my sweet, sweet car, my mom had to go and drop an atomic bomb on my happiness.

My driver's license got revoked for six months. I don't get to drive again until the very fucking day I go back up to NMU in the fall.

Of course there will be an occupational permit this summer - my mom is forcing me to get a job, and now that I have no friends and no fun to look forward to this summer, I'm pretty much excited about working. My mom is going to get me a job as a summer hire at her paper mill. It pays around 10 dollars an hour, and it's shift work, which gives me an excuse to be awake all night and asleep all day.

I never, ever saw this coming. Maybe I should have.

I got pulled over for speeding on the freeway on January 2nd. I was doing 71 in a 65-mph zone. The officer ticketed me for 81. Zach was in the car with me at the time, and I had been in the center lane, getting passed on the outside by another car. But the officer pulled me over because he registered that somebody was speeding, and I guess it didn't matter who he pulled over, as long as it was somebody. Injust? Of course. Welcome to the United States.

At any rate, I got my ticket, I bitched, I complained, and I figured I'd just go on with life. The officer put four points on my license to bring my total to 10. In Wisconsin, the maximum is 12, so I wasn't worried. And anyway, 6 of those points were supposed to get dropped on February 13th anyway - the one year anniversary of the car crash. But noooo... life couldn't be that peachy, could it? Since it was my second offense, the DMV doubled my point count and revoked my license for six months.

The real kick in the ass? The fact that I had the option to fight the ticket in court, but chose not to take it because I would have had to miss classes. My family and friends all agreed that the ticket was unfair, and since I had a witness and all, they all figured if I wanted to, I probably could have gotten the ticket overturned. But we all figured that since my point total was still under the limit, that driving carefully and not speeding anymore would be enough to keep me from trouble with the DMV.

I guess fucking not. Hindsight is 20/20 though.

Anyway, after a good hour-long discussion on my license and my life with my mother on the drive home, I was feeling a little bit better and was surprisingly looking forward to job hunting tomorrow. We stopped in Menomonie at a restaurant called Schoegel's for lunch and then stopped in Appleton to play a few rounds of DDR. (Big mistake. Heather = out of shape.) And then, just when I felt a little swell of happiness when we pulled into the driveway, I realized something else.

Rueben is dead.

Rueben is dead. It hit me the second I walked in the door. I honestly felt as though I could have died with the pain of it when Daizy came bumbling into the kitchen, tail wagging and smiling, and it finally hit me right then and there. Rueben is dead. I will never see her again.

It's a very depressing sound, the sound of four paws scraping on kitchen tile, when you know that the sound you should be hearing is the sound of eight paws scraping on kitchen tile.

It didn't honestly hit me full-force until today. From a hundred miles from home, you can only imagine how your life will have changed once something is missing. While I knew that Rueben wouldn't be there, I guess I just didn't realize how much would be different once I finally got back.

I don't think I'm going to be very good at dealing with the death of a human if I can't deal with the death of a dog.

So, as I petted Daizy and tried not to cry, I realized that I just wanted to be alone in my little cave in my dorm room with no one aware of my existence.

That is a horrible, horrible feeling.

How on Earth am I going to enjoy myself this break? All my plans are screwed because I can't drive, and I can't even walk out into the living room without getting choked up because I know there should be a lovable black furball getting hair all over the carpet.

I feel completely miserable.

[EDIT] Mary - thank you for your kind words. They brightened what otherwise was roughly a shit-ass day. I promise in my next entry I'll explain both about the car accident and my relationship with Carol (though the second one will take some thought.) And I also promise not to abandon Diaryland again. Thanks so much for your time and effort. It means a ton.

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