[ 08-13-03 ] [ 7:01 p.m.]
[ More about the girl ]

I know I'm not the most thorough person in the world. I just don't really feel like spilling my guts to some virtual diary that happens to be read by people I don't know personally, with a few exceptions. Whatever. Most people don't care about reading someone else's completely random thoughts. We all care about ourselves and usually don't give a fuck about anyone else.

And, hello, nice to see you too.

So, what are my feelings about this girl in my life? I love her, but I'm not sure how exactly I love her. To be clear on this, I don't think I've ever been in love. I've loved people, but never been in love. Does that make any sense at all? For me, it was always, "Yes, hello, I'd rather write about other people being happy and being in love than actually experiencing it myself." I'm much happier writing NASCAR slash fanfiction than I am trying to make a relationship work out. I know how much it sucks. I know how unlikely in this world it is that we find that one person we really and truly are in love with and would die for, no questions, no exchanges, no substitutions, no refunds.

As far as companionship goes, the girl is more than adequate. She gets on my nerves a lot, okay, more than a lot, but so does everyone on the planet I've ever met, with the exception of Liz, who may just be the coolest person I ever met.

But about the girl, who will remain named as "the girl" until I work up the guts to reveal her identity to my adoring public. She "loves" me. Or she told me she loved me. And I told her I loved her. And I do. Just... not as someone I could spend my life with. A good chunk of my life, yes, but not my entire life. When I look at my life, I see a single lady who writes books and newspaper editorials from her apartment that looks peculiarly like Meg Ryan's character's apartment in You've Got Mail, and has a cute little airedale to keep her company, and maybe a kitten. I see all that stuff when I look at my life, but I don't see anyone else. Maybe my mom, when she calls me worrying about whether or not I've been mugged living in New York City, and if I still go out to the country to get away from the smog, etc., etc., etc...

I'm not a commitment person. Have you noticed that yet?

I don't want her to get hurt if she finds out that I'd really rather spend my life alone. I mean, I don't mind having a girlfriend for the remainder of my high-school life, but once I go on to college, I'd like to hermitize myself. I don't know why I have these tendencies to want to be alone, but for me, life has a lot less headaches when I'm by myself.

I do have one thing to say about having a girl as a dating partner, though... It's a lot less hard on the head. Emotions-wise. I'm not always having to take detailed observations of her behavior and then analyzing those observations trying to figure out what the hell she's thinking about me.

Not that I've ever done that.

No, never.

More later, when I can think of something else to say.

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