[ 07-05-03 ] [ 9:53 a.m.]
[ Loser ]

I am one mass knot of sore muscles. I hurt. Falling off a tube in back of a speeding boat five times tends to do that to a person. Even a seasoned tuber such as myself has no protection against feeling like a shitbag the next morning.

So. Today was supposed to be my birthday party up in Clintonville, but I don't have the energy to be up there in the sun all day. In my stepdad's family, which is like the closest thing Wisconsin has to a mass slightly Jewish Mafia, when you turn 17, you're an official adult. This is shown by the car I now drive, and the license I will soon possess (enter expletives concerning my last two driver's tests here).

Maybe it's me, but I don't feel any older. In fact, I feel more like a baby than ever. I try to be strong about things, but lately I just feel more like crawling into a hole and crying to death. I'm trying to keep my summer somewhat spazz-free, but it's hard when everything you do makes you feel like you're being kept out of something.

And maybe I'm just super-paranoid, but I've had experience with being on the outside looking in, and I know how shitty it feels. When I was younger, the kids I played with used to make me be the maid when we played House, because they didn't like that I wasn't like them.

What makes me so different than everyone I come in contact with? Why am I always left standing in the dust while all my friends and all my family and everyone else known to man speeds away into the sunset, laughing and having fun, all but forgetting me?

Do I sound like a seriously paranoid nutcase?

Okay, maybe we should lay out the reasons as to why I might feel like this.

1) I talk and look like a retard. I'm ugly and I've been told that my voice is so annoying that if that person ever had to hear it again, they'd shoot me in the vocal chords.

2) I have a stepfather who hates me, while he treats his own two children like the prince and princess of the world. It's not bad enough that I have to witness this, but it's doubly worse because however much attention my mother bestows on me, she bestows the same amount of attention on Nic and Heidi. Which means they get more attention than I do, and I'm often left screaming after my mother like a child.

3) In correlation with #2, I get treated like a child. Instead of treating me like I'm 16, they treat me like I'm 6. My mom was reluctant to leave me home this morning because it might be too long. So she called up my grandparents, who now feel it's their duty to babysit me when I would be perfectly fine without them.

4) I have two best friends, who are also best friends with each other. In addition, those two are better friends with each other than they are with me. They have different interests than I do, and they're both older than me. I also think they might've known each other for longer, but I'm not sure about that one. The point is, I find it increasingly harder to get along with them because a) the only thing we all like is slash (and not even the same KIND of slash) and b) I find myself being excluded more and more. I've made this argument before just to be told that I'm paranoid, but I've finally found a reason as to why my argument works: Liz's parents and Carol's parents are often stingy in the department of what they can and can't do. If they say "no, you can't go out with your friends", that's pretty much final. Me, on the other hand, my parents will pretty much let me do anything. I'll ask my mom if I can go out, and she'll probably say yes. Both of my friends know this, but yet when the opportunity for the three of us to do something as simple as go to the mall comes along, I find that more and more often I don't get invited. Not that I blame them; Liz thinks I'm annoying and Carol thinks I'm too stupid (likely because I don't speak French). And besides, both of them get along better with each other than they do with me.

5) I have this annoying inability to find a boyfriend and keep him. When I do happen to get a boyfriend, something or someone usually messes up the relationship. That, and I dislike having to fathom the minds of boys. A few short months ago, I was crazy over Alex, but now I'm finding it so incredibly annoying to have to try to decipher what he's feeling (and over the internet, no less.)

6) I have this emotions problem. If you want to read about it, go back to April and May, and trust me, you can find something about it. No one wants to be associated with a person who, in addition to a flaming temper, has problems keeping her various emotions under wraps. I wouldn't want to, so why would my friends and potential boyfriends? It's a bad situation, and even though I'm trying to fix it, I'm getting fed up with everyone and everything trying to correct my apparent oversteer (aka my depression).

So. Six very fluorescent reasons why, I've finally come to grips with it, I'm a loser. I'm pretty much a loser in every way it's possible to be a loser. At least I was until I got that car, and even that's worthless because instead of carting around my friends, I have to cart around various family members.

I'm having lots of problems feeling good about myself now. It's not fun to realize that you're a loser.

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