[ 04-08-03 ] [ 4:55 p.m.]
[ Boy story ]

I have just gone through a major case of inferiority complex, and now I think I feel worse than I have for a long time.

After being reminded of that nasty e-mail Dan sent me, I realized he's right. I have more baggage than a kid going to college, and mine isn't the kind that involves clothes. Why would anyone in their right mind want to date a person with such severe emotional problems? Why would anyone want to be associated with someone like that?

This is, of course, another rant about Alex.

This afternoon has given me some quality time to think about my life and why there's any reason that Alex would want to be a part of it. Mrs. Johnston thinks we're perfect for each other, and she doesn't even know him. Tim said, while I was busy going psycho this morning in the guidance office, that Alex is "used to emotions running rampant" and would be willing to deal with mine. I told Tim that it means a lot, before chucking an eraser at him.

So sweet.

The problem, as far as I can see, is that Alex hasn't actually made any vows of commitment. Sure, I've told him about my problems, and he seems to realize if not understand why I'm hostile and bitchy and angry and sad and empty. But just because he listened so does not mean that he's willing to commit to me.

If you haven't already guessed, I'm wound up about Prom.

I have an impending physical and now a legion of family and friends who are worried about me, and number two on my worries list (after being possibly depressed) is not having a date for Prom.

Mom says there's always next year, and she's damn right when she says that. There IS always next year, but there's this year, too. I had an absolutely shitty time at Homecoming this year, and I missed Kings because of my lack of a date. I would like nothing more right now than to go to a formal dance and enjoy myself. I haven't had a decent formal dance since Homecoming of Freshman year, and you know the awful thing? I didn't GO to Homecoming in Freshman year. But my then-crush Matt did, and it was basically my then-best-friend Lizzy grilling him at the dance about liking me that got us together.

In other words, my high school Cinderella story so far has been less than a fairy tale. It's subpar of "happily ever after" by several million fireplaces.

My in-school boyfriends since ninth grade have amounted to two. Matt, who I dated in ninth and tenth grade, and who I will never again touch, even if you hand me a ten-foot pole; and Dan, whose shit is seriously weighing me down because he can't control his raging male hormones. My love life so totally sucks right now.

Can't you just hear those tiny little violins going? Man, it's making me teary-eyed.

I think I need to get off my dead ass and do something about this Alex situation. If he likes me as much as Tim says he does, then why am I worried about asking him to Prom? What's the worst he could say? "No"?

Which would probably sting a little right now.

The thing is, I'm such a chicken. I can get up into anybody's face at any time in any place, but when it comes to the "do-you-like-me-will-you-go-out-with-me" stuff, my skills are stuck at about D- work.

Confidence is key. And I DO have confidence.

Except when dealing with potential boyfriends.

What am I going to do?

[ ]

[ last ] [ next ]