[ 05-10-03 ] [ 4:41 p.m.]
[ A balancing problem ]

I'm almost certain that I have a problem that's bigger than just depression.

This is a problem that I'm not sure I should write about here, considering Mrs. Johnston reads my diary regularly to check up on my life. At the same time, though, I really have no one else to talk to about it. The friends that know what I mean either encourage it or try to get me to stop doing it, but neither side takes the time to understand why I do it.

I've decided it's best for me not to disclose what this certain problem is, but I hope I can explain while keeping it anonymous.

This certain problem, which I'd rather like to call a habit, is something that my parents and teachers would never approve of. Most of my friends also discourage it, while a few that know I do it do it as well. Even though I have friends who have this same habit, I have different reasons for it than they do. Their's is something along the lines of "because I can". Mine is "because it balances."

This habit makes me feel wonderful and shitty at the same time. It is one of the few things I've found through this time of depression that balances my two dominant emotions. If I feel really good and know I'm headed for a low, I'll do this to let myself down easier. If I'm in a low, I'll do it to elevate myself. It works both ways.

It's incredibly therapeutic.

It's also not good for me. Unfortunately, it's one of the only things I've found so far that balance me very well. It probably ranks third, after sleeping and eating.

Two things that I can't really do in the middle of, say, choir class.

So at that point I rely on my third option. It's something I can do quickly, without gaining a whole lot of attention, especially if I do it during a song when no one is paying attention.

Another thing my "anti-habit" friends don't understand is that I don't do this regularly. If I can sleep to balance myself out, I will. If I can eat, I will. The only time I rely on this habit is when anything else that I could possibly use to balance myself out is not currently within reach. The habit is always an option, because I carry the materials with me everywhere, and they don't take much to hide.

But it's not like I carry the stuff with me because I'd die if I didn't have this habit. It's simply a replacement fix.

And now, having run out of things to say about this problem, I feel totally and completely psycho.

But at least I got some of this out in the open.

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