[ 01-22-05 ] [ 1:35 p.m.]
[ Getting my life sorted out ]

Well, so much for regular diary writing... not that it was ever a New Year's resolution or anything - I just got depressed seeing mmlove pretty much gone to waste. Knowing that there's a whole bunch of my past buried in this thing, a past that I'm not necessarily proud of, and that I don't necessarily want to revisit, but hell, I feel it pertinent to keep it around, so that when I'm 25 and graduated and have a life and maybe a family, I can look back and laugh on what was some of high school and college. And maybe all the memories I've forgotten I could remember.

Anyway, I've been back in Marquette for nearly a week. This week has been so damn long that it feels like I've been in Marquette for a month. I have a sinking feeling that every week is going to drag on that long, because my courseload has gotten bigger since last semester. Granted, it's only by two credits, but that means five classes instead of four, and also I have a night class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which means that Tuesdays and Thursdays are always gonna feel like they're 36 hours long. And that probably means that I won't feel like going to the Shamrock on Thursdays with my friends.

My friends that I haven't seen yet, except for Kyle (who's in my 6pm T&TH Criminal Justice class) and Dylan a few times in West, but only those were quick 'hey, what's up?' sort of exchanges. Jen and Kelsey are in Washington DC for the Inauguration (blech) and they live on the other side of campus. God only knows, I love West Hall, but it sucks to be so very isolated from everyone else who lives on campus.

Isolation isn't good for me. This much I know. I haven't made any close, "tell me your secrets" sort of friends up here. Right now, it's looking like I never will. I know that it's because I'm stubborn, because I don't want to accept the fact that the people I've known my whole life are now somewhere else in the world and I've got to meet new friends to keep myself from dipping into depression.

But right now, I've got Kyle. He should be good enough. And at least he's someone I can talk basketball with. Katie and Matt (my roommate and her fiance) and I kind of planned to have a small Super Bowl party in our dorm room, and I told her I was bringing my friend Kyle (who, since breaking up with his wife is living in an apartment alone) and Katie asked me if he was my boyfriend. I recall saying something along the lines of "No, not really." While inside I was thinking "No, and he will never be."

I think Katie thinks I'm odd because the only guys I ever talk about are ones that I don't know and couldn't get to date me if I had a bajillion dollars. It is not my fault that the only scrumptious and equally awesome guy I've met so far on this campus is Dylan. Who happens to be a man-whore in every sense of the word. And I sneakily suspect (as do a lot of others) that he might be gay. Either that, or very open with himself.

God, it feels like freaking 10 a.m. You know, it's kind of funny that even at college, I can't escape getting woken up by my mother. She called my cell at 11:30 this morning, and I've been awake ever since.

I am not happy about being awake this early. This semester, I am only fortunate enough to have three days all week where I can sleep as late as I want. Last semester, it was five.

Yes, I was very spoiled.

Well, at any rate, I've gone back to staying up until 2 or 3 a.m., getting up for my 10 a.m. class, and going through the day groggy. While I was at home, I was usually in bed by midnight or so, unless I was attending a sleepless-over. I think the reason that I don't sleep much at college is not because I'm swamped with homework, but because I have unlimited internet access with no one to tell me to stop using it, and no incentive to stop using it. If my friends are up all hours, chances are that I will be as well. There are some friends that I talk to much more extensively than my other friends, and usually for me, when Carol's gone, so am I.

So much of my life these days is about Carol. It's been headed that way for years, since fourth grade even. It's been a slow progression from childhood friends, to best friends in high school, to the point where almost everything I do results in me thinking about her. I get little happy jolts when I see her log on, and I get a little sick feeling in my stomach every time she logs off. I think about her every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. I cry a lot, sometimes because I wish I were back home with her and all my friends, and sometimes because I'm so happy that somebody loves me and the two million tons of shit that comes with me.

I'll say this right now, loud and clear - I don't think that I have ever been in love. That said, I have loved people - my parents, my family, my closest friends. I love Carol as much - maybe more - than I have ever loved any of them, but I've never been completely in love with her. However, that's changing with every day that passes.

The words "Spring Break" have never sounded so sweet. From today, I believe it's only 42 days from the first day of Break, March 4th, though I've been wrong before.

In addition to, pretty much, having a girlfriend (though I hate those titles and always have. I've always hated the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and I hate hearing them applied to myself and whoever I happen to be dating at the time) and moreover, a girlfriend that only a select few know about (that select few not including my parents) Dawn and her new boy Josh are working on setting me up with a guy I met at a party I was at over break. His name is Jacque, and he's a very sweet guy, and under normal circumstances, I would probably be very elated to date him. We met, we hit it off, we talk on AIM daily as very good friends, and Dawn is convinced we're perfect together. The problem is that I'm attached, and so is he. We're both very unhappy in our current relationships, but for very different reasons. His is because his girlfriend is basically, from everything I've heard from Josh, a huge bitch who has control over his life. I'm unhappy in my relationship because I don't like being a half a continent away from Carol. Especially after the best month of my entire life.

I brought up potentially sharing me with Jacque to Carol, and I'm pretty sure she hates the idea. Can't say that I blame her, because every time I've ever brought up something about me with another guy, it usually means she's going to get dropped on her ass. Yes, I know, evil rotten thing to do, and if Carol were smart, she'd drop me on my ass. I do have somewhat of an excuse for my behavior though - when I was in high school and Carol and I dated, I used her for her "body heat", in the words of Liz. It's not like that now.

It can't be like that now, because I've never felt this way before. I have never felt like I would do anything at all just to be near her.

I haven't said anything to Dawn about this constant dilemma, but she reads my diary so she'll probably see it here and ask me about it. Jacque has even said to me that he would prefer to take things slow by way of a relationship, to see if we're not being stupid. That's probably the best idea I've ever heard, because then I can't be leading him on. Don't get me wrong, I like him a lot, but he's not right for me right now.

One last issue I've got to write about, and I'll try to keep it short because this entry is huge - locking versus unlocking of my diary. I've decided to keep it unlocked. I know that there is always the risk of one of my parents, or someone who knows my parents, finding this diary and telling my mom what's written here, but I've found that I've really stopped caring. Eventually, my mom is going to find out about me and Carol. It's a fact of life; I've accepted it. It's not going to be pretty when it does happen, but I am an adult, I am taking care of myself, and if she can't learn to love and accept me for who I love, then she is no mother that I want to have.

I'm not going to be ashamed of who I am anymore. I have lived far too long like that, and frankly, it takes too much energy. And I don't have the energy to do much more than drag my ass out of bed, go to class, attempt to survive, dream about the 4th of March, and wait for Carol to log on.

[ ]

[ last ] [ next ]