[ 04-21-03 ] [ 4:53 p.m.]
[ A search inside ]

I have finally realized something about myself, a rather profound something that I think is the beginning of the road to my recovery.

Sarah has said to me time and again that I can only truly repair myself if I figure out what's wrong with me. I've told her in vain that I can't fix myself because I don't know what's wrong. She answered by telling me that I had to look very hard, and I would find it. Finally, I took her advice, and looked for an error within myself sort of like I do when I'm looking for an HTML error.

Under incredible scrutiny.

And do you know what I found? Some light, and a possible path to recovery.

I am obsessed with always having a crush and always wanting a boyfriend. I know this and have known this for a while, although I thought it was just me being a typical teenage girl with typical teenage girl hormones. But after today, I've realized that, even though it still may be typical, I crave boys for a deeper reason than simply having a boyfriend.

I don't want to be alone.

If I am completely honest with myself, the one thing I'm afraid of is being alone. I remember "alone" as a scary, dark place where I felt that I could scream and scream and scream forever and still no one would hear me, or if they did, would turn a deaf ear. Coming to the realization that there may be no one on Earth who gives a damn about me scared the ever-living shit out of me. It felt like the whole world was caving in, crushing me, trying to be rid of me because nobody cared enough about me to keep me around.

I never, ever, want to feel like that again.

My fears of being truly alone have been quenched for a few years now. I'm woven into an intricate web of people who love me and care about me, and that is one of the major things that keeps me from completely losing my mind. But I'm still alone. I'm still very alone.

Every day, I see my friends in relationships with people that are like no relationships I've ever had. Most of my female friends that have boyfriends have good, sweet boyfriends who make them feel special and wanted and loved. I've never had a boyfriend who's done that for me.

Matt was a self-centered, egoistic, sexually desperate pig that wanted to sleep with me long before I was ready to address that kind of interaction.

Dan was a very angry, lost boyfriend who didn't even know how to make himself happy, let alone his girlfriend, let alone another PERSON.

And the only other serious boyfriend I've ever had was a mistake I care not to discuss. Considering that I thought I loved him, but it turned out that he never loved me.

I just want to be held. Just to have a boy of my own that, even if what he feels for me cannot be called "love" because teenagers "don't know the meaning of the word", at least respects me for who I am and likes me for it.

I am sick of being one. I'm dying to be one part of two.

Now that I've come to grips with that, I need to do something about it. I need to stop shying away from what I think is a serious attraction between me and Alex, and I need to tell him.

Rejection is always the worst thing that could happen in a case like this. And when you have amazing, caring friends to fall back on, rejection is only as serious as a paper cut.

But I think even a paper cut would wound me fatally at this stage in my life.

Maybe that's why I've been shying away. Because I don't want to get hurt.

I wonder, though... would it hurt me to know that, if I would've only asked, I would have gotten a "yes"?

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