[ 04-22-03 ] [ 5:30 p.m.]
[ Don't wanna be alone ]

I'm still feeling very alone.

Especially when I explained how I feel to Tim. I told him about my attraction to people like him and Alex, and how it really sucks to watch all my friends have great girlfriends and boyfriends while I'm stuck stag.

Tim is a lot more like me than I give him credit for.

He asked me one simple question, and the answer I gave him to that question was the conclusion I came to yesterday: "Don't want to be alone."

The question? "Why do you think I always have a girlfriend?"

Tim says he understands how I feel when I say I feel alone and neglected. But I think our feelings exist on two separate levels.

Tim's level is something like this: as long as he's with somebody, as long as he has someone to hold and kiss, doesn't even matter who, he's happy.

My level is closer to this: I need to be loved by somebody I love.

In other words, I'm particular about the person I'll call "boyfriend". Tim's not so choosy when it comes to girlfriends.

That slight difference, I think, is the biggest difference Tim and I have. Tim doesn't understand why I just can't get a guy and be with him for a month or two before I get bored and go searching for someone else. To him, that's affection. "You've got an allotted two months, baby, and then my love for you runs out." Tim tells all his girlfriends he loves them up until the day when it's "Sayonara!"

Oh, yeah. That's love, all right.

(This, by the way, is another fluorescently persistent reason why I could never date Tim.)

What Tim also doesn't realize about his style of dating is that I could never do it. I could never tell someone I love them and dump them two minutes later. I could never even say "I love you" to someone if I don't mean it. But most of all, I could never dump a guy and have another one all lined up. I'm not that special. I'm not that beautiful. I'm not that desirable.

No wonder all of my boyfriends have been psychotic losers.

On the other hand, Tim is a wonderful, special, funny guy, and it's no surprise that he's got a queue line of potential girlfriends that's longer than the yearbook line. And that's pretty long, dude.

Me? You've already heard that sob story. I just want to be loved.

I don't want to be alone.

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