[ 01-23-05 ] [ 10:00 a.m.]
[ Laziness and hair ]

Another day, another new entry. I always figured it was an encouraging sign when I'd manage to get out two entries in two days, but I don't know - since about November of '03 or so, two entries in two days didn't mean anything. I lost my vigor for regular journaling, and I haven't been able to get it back since.

The only reason that really bothers me is because there are things about the time between November 2003 and now that I will want to remember, things that I won't because I never wrote about them. Right now, in my mind's eye, I can clearly recall a bunch of things that happened during the summer of '04, the best summer of my life, but as each day passes, I lose a bit more of those memories.

Journaling is so much more than getting your thoughts out on paper - it's a way to remember the way you once were, even if you don't want to right now. Even at eighteen, I can already guarantee that someday I'm going to want to remember being sixteen, even though I thoroughly hated that year of my life.

It's probably not a good idea for me to get this deep this early in the morning, especially since I'm running on only seven hours of sleep, which isn't enough for me.

I'm thinking about changing the layout for this diary. Believe it or not, I'm actually beginning to get sick of the color pink. I used to be vehemently anti-pink, and then I made allowances for hot pink, and then eventually I gave into my inner pink-lover and pretty soon all my layouts started becoming pink. If you look at my portfolio on my website, you can see that the last five layouts or so have all been pink. I like this layout well enough, but it's difficult to read sometimes because of the gradient-shaded text area. I don't have any ideas for a replacement layout, though, and I'd say that my website needs a new layout first, since I've had the same layout up for probably over two months now.

I probably would have remedied that sooner, but I find I get really lazy. Somehow, I manage to turn things I love into chores. Like regular journaling - it used to be one of my favorite things to do online, and eventually it began to feel less like wanting to put my soul out to the world and more like being forced to put my soul out to the world. The same thing happens with layout designing and graphic designing. I know when something needs a new layout, but I find some excuse to get around it.

The problem with this is that I've always been this way. I am incurably lazy. It's not something anyone should be proud of, especially not someone like me, who has almost nothing to show for eighteen and a half years on Earth. I get spurts of wanting to be active, do my homework and study and get good grades. Luckily for me, I got one of those during Finals Week last semester and ended up making a C+ out of what certainly would have been a D+ without my obsessive studying. My courseload this semester has upped by a class, and even though two of my five classes are scored on tests only, and one of the classes is a piano class with rehearsal as the only homework, I know I'm going to be fairly well miserable this semester. Argumentation, my only real homework class, is going to be a huge pain in the ass. We have three or four research papers, and research means library, and library means fifteen minutes away on foot in the cold and snow.

The NMU campus is set up so that there are dorms and apartments around the outside edges of campus, with all the class buildings and library, etc., in the middle. I live in West Hall on the east side of campus (smart naming, that) and my five classes meet in two buildings, Thomas Fine Arts and Jamrich Hall, both of which are on the east side of campus. The library, however, is on the west side of campus - which means it's a longer walk. Which means that I'm completely reluctant to go over there when I need to study.

I am so lazy. I need to practice a piece for my piano class tomorrow, and the practice rooms are in TFA, and I don't even want to walk the five minutes over there just to practice. I probably could go in my pajamas if I wanted. But no, I'm going to set my alarm clock for an hour earlier and practice before my Music in Society class tomorrow morning.

I talked to Kyle on AIM yesterday, and had been debating going over to TFA yesterday, when I told him about the get-up-early solution. He called that efficiency - you know, get everything done at once - but I still think it's laziness. Then he tried to tell me that I just didn't want to do it because nobody wants to do anything on Saturday.

That I might believe. But it's still laziness, it's just mass laziness.

The biggest problem with my life, though, is the fact that I continually pull out tiny little strands of my hair, to the point where the entire top of my head is marginally bald. From the front, I don't look bald, especially if I'm wearing a headband, but you can definitely tell that something's wrong with my hair. I've been pulling my hair out since about November of 2003. It started as a very small bald spot at the back of my head, and since then it's just spread. I try to stop doing it, but I can't keep myself from doing it, especially when I'm stressed or bored. I don't know why I do it, but I have a suspicion it might have something to do with the fact that I've become, basically, addicted to the momentary sting when the hair gets pulled out. It's a very sick thing, and I know that that one thing alone probably makes me clinically depressed, even though I've had depression before and I know that it doesn't feel how I feel right now. I'm going to see if I can keep track of how many times I pull my hair in a given day, and see if the conscious effort to stop helps any. My hair is growing back in, but it'll never get to the way it was if I keep pulling on it.

Well, I'm going to finish this up for now. And probably go back to bed. The Lazy Monster is never that far away.

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